Waiting for the End: Ruminations on the Upcoming Apocalypse

If you’re anything like me, you’re a fan of all things portraying a dystopian or post-apocalyptic future. When human kind is being oppressed, or are at the brink of extinction, I’m on the edge of my seat, lapping it all up. Whether the result of technology gone awry, nuclear war, an alien invasion and all things in between, it’s always interesting when humanity appears totally fucked over.

So for me the obvious question that arises is of why this is the case. Why do I (and perhaps you, dear reader) get so much enjoyment out of watching all hell break loose? Why does a terrifying zombie outbreak seem so appealing when read about, watched, or virtually interacted with? Why does the rise of machines in works like The Matrix and Battlestar Galactica evoke such strong feelings in viewers like you and me?

Because life, though occasionally mildly exciting, is ultimately unfulfilling. I mean, sure I’d love to have a happy life, get married, have some kids, grandkids, and die happy and content, but lets be honest, that shit is boring. I mean, there’s a reason why I read articles like this one and get excited. While at school, I have a conversation with my friends regarding our plans for the undoubtedly impending zombie apocalypse at least once a month.

Anyway, the point is this: I’m at a point in my life where I’m freely willing to admit that, all things considered, the only way I can die satisfied is at the end of the world. It’s probably time you came to that conclusion as well.

I should note that I’m currently childless and not in love. I am, however, a rather happy person (I’d say). There are many people I love, but I don’t think my desire to arrive at death by way of world-ending catastrophe is particularly contradictory to that fact. In fact, on the off chance that there is an afterlife, and with knowledge that all life eventually ends in death, I think it’d be preferable to die with everyone you care about. Fuck waiting for them to kick it. No mourning necessary, just a shared experience of a terrifyingly exciting and badass apocalypse.

Yes, I know what your thinking. “But you said you wanted to resist the coming zombie apocalypse! Your family might not be able to resist as undoubtedly aptly as you, with your hours of planning, and thus die!” While you’re strangely articulate, you’re still a fool. They wouldn’t die, jackass, they’d become zombies, and thus be mindless, undead and flesh-eating. No more existential crises, no more need to grapple with the bullshit that accompanies the human condition. Just lots of tasty, tasty manflesh. Who wouldn’t want that for their loved ones? I’m told by reputable sources (e.g. my friend Gideon) that zombies can survive without air. That’s right, shithead, they can walk underwater. Without scuba gear. Fuck. Yes. They’re essentially superhuman.

Now, I grant that the end of the world might arrive by other means than an outbreak of the undead. Highly unlikely, but still possible. Which, probably, means we wouldn’t get to fight in a badass resistance before succumbing to horrible bites and the undoubtedly awesome and delicious experience that would follow. What if, you might wonder, there came a rise of the machines (which is, in lieu of a zombie apocalypse, inevitable), as portrayed in such awesomeness as The Matrix and Battlestar Galactica? Badass resistance, followed by either death (not totally horrible), torture (not not horrible), torturous death (ibid), or, as seen in The Matrix, blissful ignorance while we’re used as batteries by our machine overlords (blissful). We might even win, but probably not.

Now, these aren’t all the possible end of the world scenarios. Cormac McCarthy’s excellent novel, The Road, presents a much more bleak, depressing view of post-apocalypse, where roving gangs of cannibals rape and eat those they find and overpower in the wake of some unnamed disaster. And I suppose this could happen, and it’d undoubtedly blow, and hard. But look, most of us would die early on in the apocalypse, avoiding most horrors that would follow. And, it’d certainly be more exciting than an elderly person with your loved ones at your side. And lets be honest, a zombie outbreak or machine uprising is vastly more likely.

So, to you, apocalyptic forces, I say: bring it the fuck on.