3: Wonderings

I don’t think I’m a normal person. I think I think too much to be a normal person. I’m not saying I’m smarter or more thoughtful; I mean I just think about things that a normal person doesn’t, think about things that don’t get me anywhere. I just… I let my thoughts wander, and so I wonder…

I wonder about life. I wonder why we’re here, I wonder if I matter, I wonder if we matter, I wonder if anything matters. I wonder if the idea of something “mattering” is frivolous. This is because I wonder what we are.

I wonder if we are, as seems likely, purely physical. I wonder if every thought I have, every action I carry out, every emotion I feel is nothing more than the result of a series of biochemical relations in my body and in my brain. This is because I wonder about God, about heaven, about earth and the Bible.

I wonder if God exists. I wonder what it means if He doesn’t exist. I wonder what it means if there is no God (and no gods), there is no heaven or hell, and there is no point. I wonder if this is it, if life on earth, petty life as flawed beings is the beginning, middle and end. I wonder if there is a point in wondering at all if there’s no actual point to life.

I wonder if, in the case that God exists, I am going to hell for all my wonderings. I wonder what hell is like. I wonder what heaven is like.

I wonder if other people stay awake at life and wonder like I do. I wonder if anything even fucking exists. I wonder where my life is going. I wonder if other people consider themselves happy, and I wonder what the meaning of happiness is. I wonder how happy I actually am, though I’d consider myself quite happy. I wonder if there is such a thing as a truly happy person, because I wonder what it would take to be truly happy. I wonder if celebrities and politicians can possibly be happy, and I wonder if I’m right in suspecting they cannot, at least not with regards to their public lives.

I wonder if Mr. Rogers was anything less than a perfect person, and I wonder how it is possible that he was as good a human as he was. I wonder if he was happy with his life.

I wonder if taking drugs is bad. I wonder if stoners are morally irresponsible for living life in an altered state. I wonder if morals exist. I wonder if anything exists. I wonder if it matters either way.

I wonder if I’m gonna grow up, find love and be happy. I wonder if I’m gonna grow up, find love and be unhappy. I wonder if I’ll have the life I envision for myself. I wonder if everyone who I care about will have the lives I hope and pray they do.

I wonder.